I feel like I should let things fall in due course and do what would seem normal if my foundation had not been ripped out from under me. But then the Other Voice says FUCK!! YOU MAYBE SHOULD BE PANICKING DUMBASS!! and YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET A JOB YOU FUCKWAD !! and then the OTHER other voice says you are just so fucked, give up and wait for the rest of it to fall down and hope nobody else gets hurt.
(Which is kind of what I was already doing before things all fell apart.)
I feel like what ever I do is wrong and I should be crying or freaking out or screaming or begging or something proactive or at least noisy. But I def do not feel I should be doing anything normal or fun or calming because that would be demeaning the situation and tempting the bad luck gods or karmic repurcussionists or Dementors or whatever is waiting to fuck with me further.
It is a bad time to be mentally ill and emotionally drained and physically fucked. I am lost and empty and I feel whatever I do, anything, is pointless and burdensome to somebody. I feel like I have been hit when I was down. Maybe because I WAS FUCKING HIT WHEN I WAS DOWN and the one person I trusted finally said whoa, too much pressure, man. And I honestly don't blame him a bit.
I wish I had saved myself sooner, made better choices, recognized the signs and grown some balls and learned to adult and overcome my previous shit and fixed myself so I would not end up in a question mark life scenario. I wish I had been able to say welp, I'm unhappy and I'm going to fix it, instead of waiting for someone who never really liked anything about me that I found important, to fix me, or himself. Fail.
I want to tell myself it will all be okay but that's...asking a bit much. I am so lost. Maybe it's too fresh to see right now, too soon. Maybe gluing something won't make anything worse. Maybe nothing CAN get worse. *knock wood and you know it ain't true*
maybe I'll just sleep until someone tells me it's over
maybe prince charming will come and wake me up, or the other prince charming with the shoe
I even feel guilty for trying to be funny.