Sunday, May 1, 2016


all a depresssed person wants, sometimes, I think, is for someone to see that they hurt, and instead of yelling, chastizing, getting angry, just say I see you hurting. And be gentle to them. And that's all really. :O(

Tuesday, March 22, 2016


The hardest part of mental illness is knowing you're toxic.
Shout out to all the folks who ask me if I'm okay once in a while, who treat me with patience on bad days, who don't walk away when I'm hard to deal with, who understand it's not my intention to be a bitch, who don't let me feel alone, who calm me down when I am scared, who keep in contact like they care. Here's to my emotional support group, as follows:

sometimes eryn and kya but mostly I just make them angry.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Budget Dolly Idea of the Day

Dollar store pinwheels are holographic treasures for making foil backs for lack luster eye chips! Cut a small square of the foil, hole punch in the center, trim to a round. A small snip at the edge of the 'pupil hole' allows the foil to fit the chip. Easy, cheap, faster than finding foils in the interweb tangle. :O)

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

I Aten't Dead*

I have lived through the fog so far, let's just talk about sweet things for now, shall we?

New girl in the family, say "Hello" to....ADELE!


Family photo before clothing change ~~

I'm keeping my girls and I'm keepin' on. Somewhere between lost & pissed but still buying doll shoes!

*Granny Weatherwax, Terry Pratchett

Friday, October 2, 2015

Sad af

I'm sad as fuck today. Altho not unusual for me to be sad af, it's accompanied by what's the fucking point, and together they make me...completely without hope for anything better to come.

I'm just becoming nothing more than a burden to my kids, which I'm fully trained for, being a burden to the husband for all those years.

It's been proven as well that your children CAN just up and not give a fuck about you for no GOOD reason, so I am of course TERRIFIED that the babies I have left who have my back now actually HAVE good reasons, my being a hopeless burden and all, and will leave me too.

I fear every minute of the day, a different fear than the anxiety brings, not mentally manufactured and irrational, but a fear that the actual real world is collapsing and I am unprepared and unable to fix any of it.

I feel givey uppy. But how much more can you give up than this, sleeping more than being awake, never leaving this small square of space, avoiding the last few people who aren't avoiding me in hopes they don't catch the sadness.

I'm so fucking pissed that for months and months I whispered for help in the form of telling him I'm fat, I'm immobile, I'm housebound, I'm alone, I need to go out and walk around someplace pretty because I am sincerely scared I will have a heart attack, and he ignored me. Or probably, prayed that I would indeed drop before he had to make any big decisions. But I remained alive. And he tells me the stress of being around me and my 'troubles' is making HIM afraid he will have a heart attack. That is the cruelest, most insensitive, selfish, mean, cowardly piece of shit that ever came out of his mouth.

So every day I'm afraid he'll take the rent money, and every day he remains in his cone of fucked up silence somewhere. I sure hope his new stress free life is as happy as he imagined. NO I don't. I hope he dies of a heart attack.
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