Friday, October 2, 2015

Sad af

I'm sad as fuck today. Altho not unusual for me to be sad af, it's accompanied by what's the fucking point, and together they make me...completely without hope for anything better to come.

I'm just becoming nothing more than a burden to my kids, which I'm fully trained for, being a burden to the husband for all those years.

It's been proven as well that your children CAN just up and not give a fuck about you for no GOOD reason, so I am of course TERRIFIED that the babies I have left who have my back now actually HAVE good reasons, my being a hopeless burden and all, and will leave me too.

I fear every minute of the day, a different fear than the anxiety brings, not mentally manufactured and irrational, but a fear that the actual real world is collapsing and I am unprepared and unable to fix any of it.

I feel givey uppy. But how much more can you give up than this, sleeping more than being awake, never leaving this small square of space, avoiding the last few people who aren't avoiding me in hopes they don't catch the sadness.

I'm so fucking pissed that for months and months I whispered for help in the form of telling him I'm fat, I'm immobile, I'm housebound, I'm alone, I need to go out and walk around someplace pretty because I am sincerely scared I will have a heart attack, and he ignored me. Or probably, prayed that I would indeed drop before he had to make any big decisions. But I remained alive. And he tells me the stress of being around me and my 'troubles' is making HIM afraid he will have a heart attack. That is the cruelest, most insensitive, selfish, mean, cowardly piece of shit that ever came out of his mouth.

So every day I'm afraid he'll take the rent money, and every day he remains in his cone of fucked up silence somewhere. I sure hope his new stress free life is as happy as he imagined. NO I don't. I hope he dies of a heart attack.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Never Ever Did I Ever Feel So Low

I feel like I want to act as if nothing has changed, and that I am not fearing how to keep the roof over our heads, or forget that the solutions so generously employed as of now (my brave kids) can't last forever, or ignore that I am in all ways unable to function at some non-foggy level now, when I need to function clearly most. I feel like I need to act like this new normal coming on is no big deal, and the fact that my life changed overnight and my future put in permanent insecurity is nothing I can't deal with, and that doing some art or dressing a doll to reflect my mood or just going about some ordinary life activity is good therapy and distraction from the endless loop of worrying what ifs? what nows? what thens? marching in loud circles in my head. I feel like I should act in accord...but what is that even, for me, at this point? I have been unable to act properly for years now. Maybe I never have at all.

I feel like I should let things fall in due course and do what would seem normal if my foundation had not been ripped out from under me. But then the Other Voice says FUCK!! YOU MAYBE SHOULD BE PANICKING DUMBASS!! and YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET A JOB YOU FUCKWAD !! and then the OTHER other voice says you are just so fucked, give up and wait for the rest of it to fall down and hope nobody else gets hurt. 
(Which is kind of what I was already doing before things all fell apart.)

I feel like what ever I do is wrong and I should be crying or freaking out or screaming or begging or something proactive or at least noisy. But I def do not feel I should be doing anything normal or fun or calming because that would be demeaning the situation and tempting the bad luck gods or karmic repurcussionists or Dementors or whatever is waiting to fuck with me further.

It is a bad time to be mentally ill and emotionally drained and physically fucked. I am lost and empty and I feel whatever I do, anything, is pointless and burdensome to somebody. I feel like I have been hit when I was down. Maybe because I WAS FUCKING HIT WHEN I WAS DOWN  and the one person I trusted finally said whoa, too much pressure, man. And I honestly don't blame him a bit.

I wish I had saved myself sooner, made better choices, recognized the signs and grown some balls and learned to adult and overcome my previous shit and fixed myself so I would not end up in a question mark life scenario. I wish I had been able to say welp, I'm unhappy and I'm going to fix it, instead of waiting for someone who never really liked anything about me that I found important, to fix me, or himself. Fail.

I want to tell myself it will all be okay but that's...asking a bit much. I am so lost. Maybe it's too fresh to see right now, too soon. Maybe gluing something won't make anything worse. Maybe nothing CAN get worse. *knock wood and you know it ain't true*

maybe I'll just sleep until someone tells me it's over

maybe prince charming will come and wake me up, or the other prince charming with the shoe

I even feel guilty for trying to be funny. 

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Left Behind Again

My hub of 20 years left yesterday. That kind of left they don't come back from. My depression & anxiety was too much for him, he was afraid the stress would give him a heart attack. I guess the stressors of depression, anxiety, and being unsure how I am going to pay the bills now, topped with losing my 'person' that I trusted for a long time, having no support group other than my kids, one of which is moving out for the first time in 9 days, my poor health and the unenviable fact I am 10 years older than him are not, in his mind, causes for alarm as to MY heart attack chances. But that's making it about me. He said he is stressed at work too, and he felt he had to choose, for his own well being, between us and work, and he has always had a great work ethic.

So, yeah. You don't expect to start over at this fucked up old age, with one wacky eyeball and a brain that works like a headless chicken in a thick fog. But I guess we'll see. Not too well tho, fucked up wacky eyeball prevents that.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Black Boxes!!! The Seldom Caught Target Beauty Box!

But first this pretty donut:

I was at the right place at the right time (on the interwebs, as per usual, but in the AM) and managed to snag both new and rarely captured Target Beauty boxes, oodles of yum samples sent out on no particular schedule in awesome re-usable gifty-like boxes for what is cheap even to a skinflint like me; $5 each. They sell out FAST and appear SUDDENLY like some elusive exotic animal. My box karma was good I guess!
I got BOTH (woot)

Both came with cool info cards detailing the contents. I didn't include the other one ("Honor Roll") cuz the picture sucked. Oh well.
Things with tissue paper are so FANCY

So. Many. Goodies.
Box 1 - both boxes include a $3 coupon, so essentially each box is TWO FREAKIN' DOLLARS - full size mascara, full size lip gloss, among other smelling good  & useful items 
 Box 2 - nice big square box to accomodate the comfort of the bath poof (nobody wants an uncomfy poof)
Full size Outlast primer & NYC lip butter...this box (accidentally?) had a strawberry theme - strawberry poof, white strawberry Olay body wash (Mmmmmmmmm), strawberry parfait lip gloss/lip butter

I share my beauty scores with my real trailer park girls, so nothing goes to waste, even tho I am not a beauty person at ALL. I don't wear make up do to the silk purse/sows ear dilemna. But I loves me some hair & bath products & lotions and such. From this point I'll be not sharing with my girls so much because I want to save the good stuff for Xmas stocking stuffers! If I can NOT keep it for myself. :oP It's funny, the allure of the smelling good stuff. What a great catch these were!

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Art Galaxy - Thrifted Wall Art in Blues, Aquas, and Teals

Edwardian Belles

Flashback: 2009, found in my never published drafts.

A little self indulgence in the form of a jingly bracelet. Purple and blue jingle bells from the clearance aisle and bottlecaps and images of Edwardian Beauties.

Bitty Doesn't Care About Vellabox (or flickerbox)

Got a Vellabox candle box last month.

Bitty, again, could not care less

Such a pretty little box. 

 Bitty, try to look a little interested. You know you'll probably singe your whiskers on this somehow at some point.

Lemongrass Sage, from Simple Goods Supply, mmmmm. Came wrapped in this sweet stripey scrap of fabric & tied with a rustic bow.

Can you smell it now? I got a little closer.


So ambience. Very nature.

I like this box for $13 including shipping, but only once in a while when I can squeeze it into my budget, since I'm sort of IN LOVE with flickerbox when it comes to candle subscriptions, and she's a pricey date. I take turns with these two like a high maintenance girl friend you only take out after payday. But soooo beautiful and worth it.

flickerbox, you is my woman now (don't tell vallabox)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...